An odd mental process

Imagine the first moment you meet your new son or daughter. That sweet moment when you glimpse the tiny life that you've been carrying inside of you. You already feel like you know himut now you REALLY know him

For c-section moms, that moment is frequently different, since you're in the middle of major surgery. But sweet none the less. With Timothy's birth, there was a lot of anxiety and stress, since he was arriving a month early. Coupled with a really rough delivery, I was so relieved when the doctor delivered him! However, the first words I heard about my new son were, "He has a cleft." At that moment, I looked at Curtis and said, "Are you kidding me?!" It felt like a joke. We'd already had a child with a birth defect. Was this really happening again? How bad was it? How would he look? How would this change our life? How would this effect our other children? All these questions started flying through my mind as I listened to my baby try to cry.

I got a quick glimpse of him before they took him to the NICU. As I've blogged about before, I was highly medicated (thanks to some serious anxiety) at this point and don't clearly remember that moment. I got another quick moment to see him before heading to my room. But once I got to my room, I really started thinking about his cleft. It's amazing how quickly something so foreign, that wasn't on my radar, becomes so normal. I had a son with a cleft lip. He was beautiful and perfect, and I was madly in love with him!

Go back that moment when you met your baby for the first time. You soak in every detail, accepting that he has your husband's nose and eyes, and looks a lot like his brothers. Not once do you think, "Hmmm. I think I'll change his nose," or "Gee, I was really hoping for green eyes, maybe well look at getting baby contacts." You completely and totally accept your baby.

But for moms with cleft babies, that's not how it works. Though you totally accept your baby, and find him amazing and beautiful, you know that you'll be changing him.

So the days leading up to Timothy's cleft repair surgery were very emotional days for me. I found that I had to go through a mental process as I prepared myself for Timothy post surgery. I found myself doubting whether the surgery was a good idea. I was worried that I wouldn't find his as beautiful and adorable as before surgery. And basically, I just couldn't imagine changing something about my precious son.

Imagine holding your baby while people tell you how you can "fix" him.

Imagine changing your child's eyes.

Imagine giving your child a nose job.

That's what cleft repair surgery felt like for me.

God was very gracious, and allowed for Timothy to have an amazingly smooth recovery. I now see that we did make the right decision. I love Timothy's new lips and his new smile. But I find myself still missing his old smile.