Remembering

12 years ago, Curtis and I said good bye to his mother. I watched my husband of just over a year do something no 23 year old should have to do as he leaned over her body that was riddled with cancer and said, "It's okay to stop fighting." We knew it was coming. She had been fighting for 10 months. We were praying for God's mercy to end the pain. But nothing could have prepared us for that moment.

Today, I reflect on her passing, the past months we had with her, and the memories Curtis and I have of her. I will talk with the kids about their Grammii and share those memories with them. I will tell them how much she wanted to meet them! I will tell Elizabeth about how much her Grammii longed for a granddaughter. I will tell the boys about how much their Grammii would have loved watching them play sports.

And more than anything, we will rejoice that we will see her again! How thankful I am for that hope, a hope that points me towards heaven.

32

Yesterday, I turned 32.  We are in the midst of a really busy week, but yesterday was a calm day.  While doing some laundry and washing some dishes, I found myself reflecting on being in my 30's, what God has been doing in my life, and contemplating the past year.  We're had quite a year!!  But through those things, God has been at work, teaching me and growing me.  I can absolutly say that I'm being refined by fire!

Here are 32 things that I've learned this year.

1. God doesn't promise things will be easy.
2. Hard times don't always have a concrete ending point.
3. Watching what you eat isn't fun.
4. Watching what you eat coupled with exercise will produce results.
5. I've put limits on myself that I've enjoyed challenging.
6. Challenging my limits is fun!
7. The hope of Heaven has become more and more real.
8. Being a mom doesn't get easier the longer you do it.
9. Justice doesn't satisfy the way I thought it would.
10. Friends who know when to advice and when to just be are blessings.
11. The internet can be dangerous.
12. Grief is a process.  Sometimes, I long process.
13. I need to cherish little moments more.
14. Not having a baby is kinda nice.
15. Just because I didn't get the results I expected doesn't mean I wasn't doing what God called me to do.
16. Skype, e-mail, and Facebook make the miles seem less.
17. You can always call on family.
18. Children pick up more than I would have thought.
19. There are right and wrong ways of handling conflict with another believer.
20. Handling conflict the same way twice doesn't always work.
21. Eating at home can save a lot of money.
22. A good marriage is worth the fight.
23. I need to read more books to my children.
24. Exercise is better at relieving my stress than eating my stress.
25. Worship is refreshing.
26. Cancer sucks.
27. Being organized is a blessing and a curse.
28. When dealing with struggles, you can still pray for others facing struggles.
29. God doesn't promise to not give me more than I can handle.
30. He does promise that He can handle everything He gives me.
31. I don't want to live in fear.
32. I want to live by grace.

Month of Thankfulness Day 29

I'm thankful for my in-laws. Charles and Carol, Curtis' parents, blessed me greatly because of the son they raised. I'm thankful for Curtis' brother, and his beautiful family. Though we don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like, I always enjoy their friendship.

Month of Thankfulness Day 21

I'm thankful for my grandparents. This year I lost both my Papas. I was blessed to have all four of my grandparents in my life until this spring. Though we moved around when I was growing up, and weren't always geographically close to my grandparents, I am thankful that my parents always made sure that my grandparents were a part of my life. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to talk with each of them, learn from them, learn about life, marriage and parenting, learn more about my parents. I'm thankful for the legacy of love I saw in each of their marriages. I'm thankful that even though I no longer have my Papas in my life, I have still have both my Grandmas.

Today would have been my Papa Kerry's 80th birthday, and next week would have been my Papa Jimmie's birthday.

Father's Day, come and gone.

Three years ago, Father's Day was on Elizabeth's birthday. I posted a little early about the many Father's that I have been blessed with in my life; my Daddy, Curtis, my father-in-law, and my Papas.

This year for Father's Day, we drove to Altus, OK. As I was sitting next to my Dad, in the funeral home, I was reminded that it was Father's Day. He had just lost his Dad, and my Mom was going through her first Father's Day without her Daddy. It just plain sucked!

My wandering mind went back three years, to the Father's Day on Elizabeth's birthday. And to the montage of pictures with these special men. And now, there are even more special memories! Memories with Timothy and his Great-Papas and more memories of Elizabeth, Micah and Benjamin.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Happy late Father's day!!! I am incredibly thankful for the men in the montage, the memories the my children and I have with them, and for the loving care of my Heavenly Father when life just sucks.

Papa

8 short weeks after we lost my Papa Kerry, my Papa Jimmie passed away. As I sat at his funeral, the 3rd family funeral I'd attended in 6 months, I found myself overwhelmed with sweet memories. And the above picture easily sums up several memories of Papa. His recliner, in the same corner of the living room that it had always been in. An OSU t-shirt. His sweet, slight smile. His hands. The table behind him, set for a meal that he and Grandma had planned for us all.

As I entered another stage of grief, I found myself thinking that it was all just too much. It's too much, and too hard to lose both my Papas in such a short amount of time. It's been heartbreaking to watch my Grandmas become widows. But God has been gracious to remind me of his never ending, sustaining love, that has carried me through the grief process before. Though sad, I am confident that my Savior is loving and has a plan in all this.

The kids' thoughts

Isn't God good to give us laughter during times of sadness? My children provided many laughable moments during our time in Oklahoma. I've already forgotten many of the sweet, innocent things they said during our time with my family, but here are a few moment that touched me and gave me the smile I needed.

My Papa loved to wiggle his ears. He would amuse the kids with this amazing ability, and even caught unsuspecting adults off guard. While we were at the funeral home, seeing Papa for the last time, I looked over to see Benjamin, with his finger in Papa's ear, wiggling his finger. I asked him why he was doing this. Benjamin stopped, looked up at me and said, "Remember when he used to wiggle his ears?"

Melted my heart!!

Micah seemed to be the most saddened by Papa's death. While Elizabeth was able to logically think through her grief, Micah was just left with grief that he didn't know what to do with. It was very important to him that he saw Papa.

When we first walked over to the casket, Micah was very timid and nervous. I told him he could touch Papa, and love on Papa if he wanted. He quickly responded, "You do it first!"

After I loved on Papa's hands, and saw Micah was doing okay, I turned my attention to Elizabeth, who was fine, but very hesitant about the whole situation. As I turned my attention back to Micah, I saw that he was sweetly rubbing Papa's hair, his face and his hands. The love that he had for Papa was clear.

Benjamin gave us several moments of comic relief. We had to open the entire casket to "make sure they put his legs in" and to confirm that they had put shoes on Papa. We also chuckled when Benjamin told Micah, "Quit touching him! You'll wake him up!"

As we were getting ready to leave, Micah asked me, "Why do I have to say good-bye? Can't we just come see him here again next time we're in Hokahoma?" It was hard to tell him no.

Walking this road of grief has been hard just for me. Walking it with my children has proved challenging. But how thankful I am for them!

Life goes on

We said good-bye.....

... and then hello.

In God's sovereign, ironic timing, we said good-bye to my Papa on the 21st. Less than 36 hours later, on the 23rd, we said hello to my new nephew, Ephram Brant Wilson.

We all rejoiced over the safe arrival of Ephram. But I'm pretty sure that his arrival took our breath away! When I called my best friend to let her know of Ephram's birth, I way completely overwhelmed by the emotions I was going through. A minute before hearing of Ephram's birth, I had been on the phone with one of my Papa's dear friends.

Last Christmas, at my Uncle's funeral service, my mom (or maybe it was Shannon?) rubbed Megan's belly, and asked Papa what he thought about that new baby (his 6th great-grandchild). Papa shrugged his shoulders and said, "Life goes on."

And since I know Papa's words are true, I rejoice and mourn, cry happy and sad tears at the same time, and go on with my life, thankful that the Lord giveth, and taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Preparing to Grieve.

My Papa (my Mom's Dad) is in the final days of his life.

And while Curtis and I have gone through the process of losing someone close to us, our children have not. Micah in particular is having a very hard time with the thought of losing his Papa. This morning before co-op, he was really struggling. He was being angry, cranky, and just not himself. When I asked him why he was acting the way he was, he cried and said, "I don't want Papa to die!" So before we left for co-op, I printed off these pictures for each of the kids to take.

My grandparents meeting Elizabeth for the first time.
Meeting Micah for one of the first times.


The last time my kids saw Papa.

While it would be easy for me to look up all the various ways experts tell you to help your child through grief, we're just taking it one day at a time. By the grace of God, we're doing okay.

Please keep my family in your prayers. A lot has happened in the past few months (my Grandma's cancer diagnosis, my Papa's fall, my Uncle's death), and it's hard to see God's goodness. But we know it's there. Please also pray for Curtis and I as we seek to minister to my mom, Grandma, and our children.

2010

1. What did you do in 2010 that you had never done before?
Gave birth to a preemie, taught Elizabeth to read, watched Micah learn to ride a skateboard, helped Benjamin learn to write his name.

2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I don't even know what they were.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
ME!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Uncle

5. What places have you visited?
No where new, but several visits to Wichita, Wichita Falls and Oklahoma City. We also made a trip to LaVernia, and Austin.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A peaceful mind a heart.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched in your memory and why?
Groundhog Day, February 2nd. The day we welcomed sweet Timothy into our family.

8. What was your biggest achievement this year?
Making it!

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing too major, thankfully. I did have one brutal c-section, and shingles this summer.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
A new lip for Timothy.

11. Where did most of your money go?
The doctor and the house

12. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Hmmmm. Not sure. At first I couldn't think of anything, but now I have several. The Doxology (Benjamin learned to sing it, and Elizabeth learned to play it on the piano), The Benediction Song (I sing to Timothy and Micah every night), Lead Me.

13. What do you wish you would have done more of?
Devoted time to my husband.

14. What do you wish you would have done less of?
Worrying, fretting and stressing.

15. What was your favorite TV program?
Thanks to our new DVR, I was able to regularly watch many shows! Gray's Anatomy, Brother's and Sisters, Biggest Loser, Cupcake Wars.

16. What was the best book you read this year?
Twilight Series! Don't judge. ;-)

17. What was your favorite film of the year?
Harry Potter 7!!!!

18. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
for my 30th birthday, Curtis threw me an awesome 80's themed party.

19. What political issue stirred you the most?
Unfortunately, I wasn't very involved in politics this year.

20. Who was the best new person you met?
Timothy Joel Krajca

Processing

What a week. What a whirl wind of a week we've had.

I'm sitting here trying to explain, process, and put words to what our family's been through.... especially my mom and grandma.... in the past week.

The plan Curtis and I originally had was to head to Kansas on the 23rd. Instead of heading to Kansas to celebrate, we headed on Oklahoma City to help my family go through the process of dealing with a death.

I think the most incredible thing that's happened this week has been seeing the change in my Uncle's life. He had struggled in so many areas for so many years. He'd had a really hard life. This fall, he made a profession of faith, and less than a month before his death, was baptized. As part of the service, they showed his pre-baptism interview, where he declared, "I've been filled with the Holy Spirit, and am a new man!" The joy on his face as he said those words..... I will never forget that. And then seeing his baptism was amazing as well.

The song that came to my mind was this song.



The chorus of this song will remind me of Uncle Chris, every time I hear it.
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

Please continue to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers.

A Mother

Originally posted two years ago.

"The terrible things that happen to us in this life never make any sense when we're in the middle of them, floundering, no end in sight. The is no rope to hang on to, it seems. Mothers can soothe children during those times, through their reassurance. No one worries about like your mother, and when she is gone, the world seems unsafe, thing that happen unwieldy. You cannon turn to her anymore, and it changes your life forever. There is no one on earth who knew you from the day you were born; who knew why you cried, or when you'd had enough food; who knew exactly what to say when you were hurting, and who encouraged you to grow a good heart."

Adriana Tigiani from Big Stone Gap

Six years ago today, Curtis' Mom lost her fight with cancer and won her eternal reward when she left this earth and went to her true home. When she died, she left a body that had been struggling and fighting cancer for ten months. And we were so thankful that God had taken her to a place where she didn't have to struggle, and where she didn't have pain. But she also left her husband of 27 years, two sons, and a grandson. And me. At the time, I was her only daughter-in-law. We loved her so much, and miss her greatly. But we know her hope was secured, and that we will see her again!

Carol was an amazing mother! I'm sure any 18 year old would be nervous about meeting her new boyfriends mother, and technically, I already knew her. But I clearly remember the first time I went to the house to "hang out" after Curtis and I began dating. I was so nervous, and mostly because I was afraid that his mom wouldn't like me. Even though she gave me no reason to think otherwise, I was convinced that she didn't like me. But as Curtis and I grew closer, I grew closer to his mom. Even when Curtis wasn't home from school, I would sometimes go over and visit with her. As my wedding day grew nearer, those visits became even more special, a time to learn more about the man I would marry, and the family I would be marrying into. We would look at pictures, she would tell me stories, and we would share hopes for the future. One of her hopes was for more grandchildren (she was always quick to tell me that she was very happy waiting till Curtis and I were done with school!). And though she loved the four men/boys in her life, she wanted a granddaughter. Oh, how I wish that she had been able to meet her first granddaughter, Elizabeth, and her second granddaughter, Charleigh! And I wish she could be here to give me advice on how to raise my two sons to be two godly men, like her two boys.

The quote above rang very true for Curtis and I as we were reflecting on his mom yesterday. As we have struggled with life, especially recently with all we've been through with Benjamin, Curtis has often said, "I wish my Mom was still here." But it's not only the hard times when we miss her. It's the joyful times, the times of celebration... births, baptisms, birthday parties, holidays. Carol had a way of making the bad times easier (as only a mother can) and the good times even better!

This song, With Hope, by Steven Curtis Chapman, was played at the funeral. I still cry, every time I hear it on the radio.

"We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope

'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no

And we can grieve with hope'

Cause we believe with hope

(There's a place by God's grace)

There's a place where we'll see your face again

We'll see your face again"

Saying good bye is never easy. Watching my husband of just over a year say good bye to his mother was one of the hardest things I have even been through. And I know the only way that Curtis, his brother, Dad, and nephew were able to say good bye to someone they all loved so dearly was through the grace God gives his people, and the hope and assurance of salvation. As you think of us through the day, please pray that our hearts and minds would be focused on this, not on the loss.