I will be here

For Valentine's Day, Steven Curtis Chapman released a new music video for the song "I Will be Here".

Curtis and I really love this song, and it was almost in our wedding 16 years ago. As I listened to the song, I found myself chuckling as I thought about that 19 year old girl and 21 year old boy who heard that song while planning their wedding and were totally confident in making bold promises to one another. We were so in love, so smitten, so confident in our love.

16 years later, I'm still just as in love, just as smitten and even more confident in our love.

This past semester, along with two other couples, Curtis and I read The Meaning of Marriage by Keller. During one chapter, Keller discusses how marriage is the only horizontal covenant (covenant between two people) AND vertical covenant (covenant between people and God). He discussed how the importance of marriage is the promise, the covenant, that carries a marriage through the times when the warm, romantic, fuzzies might not be there. That 19 year old girl and 21 year old boy could make those bold promises, having no real idea what they were getting themselves into, because of how the Father had drawn them together in love. But now, they can still make bold promises with a deeper knowledge of what that looks like in real life.

Though I would quickly and easily say that Curtis is my best friend and that I love being his wife, we have seen some tough times in our marriage. The death of a parent. Finishing college. Working two jobs. Surprise pregnancies. A master's degree. The loss of a job. Major health issues for our children. Financial stress. There have been times when we're just had to go to bed saying, "We've got to just go to sleep and live to fight another day." I've recently been able to look back at some of those challenging times with thankfulness, seeing how God has grown each of us individually and together as a couple. Our current motto is "Team work makes the dream work." I'm so thankful that I get to do life with Curtis by my side.

Marriage is hard. Marriage is beautiful. How thankful I am to be in a marriage with a man who loves the Lord, who loves me and is faithful to me, who passionately loves our family, and who I know will be here for me.

Sometimes, maybe it does matter

"It doesn't matter what people think of you!"

"Who cares if they think that about you! You just need to be comfortable with who you are in Christ."

These are thing I regularly say now that I have a tweenage daughter. She has fully entered the phase of life where her peers' opinions of her matter to her, where she feels the need to impress her peers. Curtis and I are seeking to parent Elizabeth in such a way that reminders her to WHOM she belongs, and that HIS opinion of her is the one that matters the most.

A few months ago I was talking with a friend. In our conversation, it came up that someone had mentioned the kind of wife I was and how he "couldn't handle a wife like that" and was "glad my wife isn't like that."

Confession: I'm a TOTAL Pharisee. I am quite good at making sure the outside of my "cup" is clean while often neglecting what's on the inside of my "cup". (see Matt. 23:25-26) I am full of pride. So when I heard that my cup wasn't thought well of, it bugged me. A lot. Probably more than it should have.

As Curtis and I talked about it, he reminded me that ultimately, it didn't matter what people thought of me. He loves me and thinks I'm a great wife. I'm not sinning or even being accused of sin. He spoke all these words of truth to me, even using the words that I use to Elizabeth!

But I couldn't shake the feelings of failure. Was it just my pride being hurt? Was it the Holy Spirit convicting me of some hidden sin in my life?  While I think each of those things is partially true, I was finally able to pinpoint where my hurt feelings were coming from.

Her husband has full confidence in her

    and lacks nothing of value.

12 

She brings him good, not harm,

    all the days of her life.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

    her husband also, and he praises her:

29 

“Many women do noble things,

    but you surpass them all.”

(Proverbs 31:11, 12, 23, 28 and 29)

My concern in the matter of what a couple people thought about the kind of wife I am is that I was reflecting poorly on Curtis.

So maybe it really does matter.

Before going into a store, doctor's office, Curtis's office, or out to eat during the middle of the school day, I give my kids the same lecture. I reminder them that they are representing themselves, our family, homeschooler, Christians and ultimately Christ. Are we shining the light of Jesus when we are unkind to one another?! Elizabeth, who is often too smart for her own good, will occasionally remind me of my own words, that it doesn't matter what other people think.

"Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God." 2 Cor 5:20

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." 1 Peter 2:9

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." Eph 4:1-3

I could go on and on listing bible verses about living a godly life and walking in a manner worthy of the calling upon us as we represent Christ to a fallen world.

So where does that leave me? 

All this reminded me that I do represent Christ in my daily life. And part of that is being the kind of wife who brings her husband good all his days.  And though I don't like it, when it comes to some people not liking my personality, it really doesn't matter what they think of me. My calling is not to have everyone like me, be impressed by me or even think highly of me. My calling is to represent Christ in the way I live, to shine His light in a dark world. My calling is to be the kind of wife who brings her husband good and who encourages him in the leadership roles God has put him in.

That's when it matters.

Here's a thought....

One of the main points of this sugar fast has been to run to Jesus when the sugar cravings hit. Or when I'm feeling stressed and want to eat, I go to the Word rather than the fridge. Rather than building up the idol of busy and distraction when I feel the desire for food, I should spend some time in prayer. Running to Jesus and his Word rather than running to the Idols in my life.

This morning, I woke up early. I've been able to spend some time thinking about some of the things I've been reading. And I was struck by a rather simple idea. Why don't I deliberately start my day by running to Jesus rather than waiting till I'm tired, overwhelmed, stressed, upset, struggling.... to turn to him. Of course I know that turning to Him in those moments is good! And I'm confident that there will still be many of those moments when I have to remind myself and make myself turn to him, rather than one of my Idols.

Recently, I've been having a hard time sleeping. Sometimes, I'm wise enough to spend that time in the Word and in prayer. Yesterday, I started my day being encouraged and filled with reminders of why I'm doing this, what the big picture is. And yesterday was a good day. I still struggled, I still had to repent and turn away from my sin. But I just felt more,,,, confident.... content.... encouraged.... filled with His love....

I have two more weeks left in this fast. And while I would say that in general, I'm fairly good about having time in the Word and in prayer, I'm going to focus more on making those things the first things I do in the morning. Before I run. Before I get the day going. Before I snuggle with the kids. Maybe even before coffee (!!!!). I'm going to work on making sure that I am turning and running to him every morning.

And you know what still, after decades of being a Christian, still amazes me? He's there. Waiting to meet with me. Waiting to fill me. Waiting to commune with me. Because he's good. And faithful. And loving. He's my Father.

 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12

Direct my footsteps according to your word;
    let no sin rule over me. Psalm 119:133

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51:10-12

More thoughts from the 40 day fast

I am now over half way done!

The 3rd full week brought unexpected challenges. Turns out I didn't quite finish dealing with all the idols that I thought I had dealt with. Also, turns out sugar isn't so much of an idol in my life as food is.

Bummer.

This past week felt very similar to week 1, where I just really MISSED eating sugar. I've been having the most vivid dreams about sugar, dreams in which I devour donuts, cake and icecream. Sometimes I wake up unsure if I really "cheated" or if it was just a dream.

This past week has been full of reasons why it's okay for me to eat tacos and queso. I've slipped back into the habit of justifying what I'm eating. And even though I'm still following the guidelines that I set for myself, I'm not in the Word as much, praying as much and justifying unwise food choices.

This past week has also been a rainy week where baseball was cancelled, swim team practice was limited due to newly enforced rules and we played GUBs. I found myself spending less time with people (excluding the little people, of course. I spent LOADS of time with them!) and being highly irritable and edgy. I'm afraid that this edgy, grumpy mom came from a lack of busyness, which is a clear sign that the Idol of Busy is still going strong in my life.

This coming week, I have two goals. #1 Face the Idol of Food and Busyness head on. No more justifying, no more giving in, no more substituting. #2 BE IN THE WORD!!!! Isn't that the point of all this?! Yet here I am, taking another lap around the desert like the Israelites, needing another reminder of God's mighty hand, mercy, commandments and provision.

Here's what I've been reading and how the Lord has encouraged me.

From "Crazy Busy" by DeYoung

"The first danger is the busyness can ruin our joy... When our lives are frantic and frenzied, we are more prone to anxiety, resentment, impatience, and irritability. "

"The third danger is that busyness can cover up the rot in our souls... The presence of extreme busyness in our lives may point to deeper problems - a pervasive people-pleasing, a restless ambition, a malaise of meaninglessness."

"Jesus understood his mission. He was not driver by the needs of other, though he often stopped to help hurting people. He was not driven by the approval of others, though he cared deeply for the lost and the broken. Ultimately, Jesus was driven by the Spirit. He was driven by his God-given mission. He knew his priorities and did not let the many temptations of a busy life deter him from his task."

As a family, we're working through a read through the Bible in a year program. Though we're behind, I'm thankful for where we are right now., in Deuteronomy. God is preparing the people...the stubborn, idol building, blind to God's goodness people... to go into the Promise Land.

"And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. Take care lest you forget the Lord your God by not keeping his commandments and his rules and his statutes, which I command you today." Deut. 8:11-12

We're also in Luke, during the time of Jesus's ministry. And what did Jesus do?

"In these days he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night be continued in prayer to God." Luke 6:12

Thoughts from the 40 Day Sugar Fast

Today is Day 10 of my Fast. I am a quarter of the way done!

Physically, I'm in a really good place. I'm thinking about sugar a lot less, I'm not craving it as much and I'm not nearly as sad about the whole situation as I was just a few days ago. I do feel better, and I'm pretty sure I've lost a little weight, though I'm not weighing myself because I don't want this to be about the physical. This is not a diet. I'm not doing this to lose weight. I'm doing this to grow spiritually.

The beginning of this week was tough. We were challenged to go deeper into our fast to push ourselves and spend more time in prayer and in the Word. I fasted till lunch on Monday, and was really able to spend a lot of time in prayer and in the Word, as I had hoped. But by the end of the day, I was a wreck. I spoke with one of my sisters, who is also doing a version of the Sugar Fast, and she said that it really sounded like sin was being revealed, that spiritual growth was happening, which would explain a lot of the feelings I was having. Monday evening I was able to talk and cry with Curtis, who graciously encouraged me where I was at while pushing me to see the big picture of what was happening in my life and in our marriage.

I imagine there will be times when I want to reread and think over some of the scripture and other things that have ministered to me.

"And as He stands in victory
Sins curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ"

"For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in thrust shall be your strength.' Yet you were unwilling..." Is. 30:15

40 day Sugar Fast

A week ago, I started a 40 Day Sugar fast.

For several weeks now, I've been struggling with feeling dissatisfied by my weight and how I was doing physically. I knew I could diet and lose weight. I could exercise and lose weight. But I couldn't understand how I kept getting back to the point of knowing that's what I needed to do.

I realized it was probably something more than just diet and exercise. But I didn't know what.

Then one day on Facebook, I saw a call for women to join a 40 Day Sugar Fast. The goal isn't weight loss. The goal is to tear down the idol of sugar in my life. I thought about it, prayed about it, and decided to join.

My previous experience with fasting has been much different than this. I've fasted from food for a day or two (usually in conjunction with a call from the session in a church wide fast). In high school, I participated in Lent.

As I prepared for the fast, I quickly saw how I was going to try to justify certain foods. "Diet Coke isn't sugar, it's a sugar substitute so it doesn't count." "That's a natural sugar, so it's not a problem for me to eat that." I realized that I wasn't really ready to break down those idol, I was just looking for ways to go through the motions of this fast. So with Curtis as my accountability, I set the guidelines for my fast. No added sugar. No Diet Coke. No desserts. I wasn't going to try to substitute my sugar cravings with natural sugars, but I wasn't going to totally refrain from natural sugars (that mainly being fruit).

As I start Day 8, I've had a chance to reflect on the experience so far. I also had a chance to really reflect spiritually yesterday in worship. The biggest thing I learned last week was that I'm so quick to build up other idols. As I worked to tear down the sugar idol, Curtis had to remind me to be careful not to build other idols in it's place. The Idol of Control. The Idol of Self Righteousness. The Idol of Busy. The Idol of Salt (who knew Pringles could be so tasty???).

This weekend, I found myself struggling in my marriage. I wanted to gripe and vent about my husband rather than speak highly of him to my friends. I only saw our differences rather than the ways God has used our difference to grow each of us. I was choosing to be petty rather than moving past minor annoyances. I was choosing to be unforgiving rather than being forgiving and gracious. All these feelings and emotions led to a restless night of sleep.

As I got up this morning, I was was planning how to basically be a bratty wife to prove to him what a lousy husband he was. But then a video, made by the woman who started the fast, popped up on my news feed. She talked about how at this point in our fast, it might be easy to let other sins that have been magnified (isn't that one of the goals of a fast??..... I don't know why I was caught off guard by it this weekend) take control. I clearly saw that was what was happening with Curtis and I.

So obviously, I have some work to do. And I'm thankful for the opportunity to do!

Month of LOVE Day 2

I love Timothy!

To be totally real for a moment, let me explain that this little guy was the one who sent me into my frantic praying yesterday. This little guy is why 1 Corinthians 13 came to mind during my time of prayer. And this little guy is making me CRAZY. I don't understand the way his brain works. I don't understand his words (or lack of words!). I don't understand his actions. I don't understand what motivates him. I don't understand his heart or how to discipline and get to his heart. 

At first Curtis and I decided it was just a phase. We have now decided that this is not a phase but rather a steamy hot mess. 

I'm struggling with how to show Timothy Christ, the gospel and grace. And then 1 Corinthians came to mind. Love is patient, kind and not easily irritated. 

Of course I love Timothy! But now the challenge is to show him my love even when he's being unlovable.

So happy birthday, Timothy! I hope this year that I will be able to show you how much a love you, even when you're making me crazy.

You Are Special

"The stickers only stick if they matter to you.  The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers."

"I'm not sure I understand."

Eli smiled.  "You will, but it will take time.  You've got a lot of marks.  For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care."

Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground.

"Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door, "you are special because I made you.  And I don't make mistakes."

Those words are from a very sweet book, You Are Special, given to us as a baby gift when Timothy was born.  When the book was given, the giver didn't realize that Timothy had a cleft lip.  A couple weeks later, after she met him, she came up and apologized, afraid that she had overstepped a boundary.  I told her I thought it was providential and that we loved the gift!

This month marks the 4th anniversary of Timothy's cleft surgery.  I found myself choked up more than once while reading You Are Special, especially as I read the last sentence.  I know my God is good.  I know my God doesn't make mistakes.  But as a parent of a child with a very obvious deformity, I did find myself questioning God's wisdom in giving Timothy a cleft lip, especially after the road we walked with Benjamin's deformity.  But even as I handed my three month old over for surgery, I knew there was a reason.  And I prayed this verse over my son, hoping that the Lord would be displayed in his life and in our walk.

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 9:3

Today, Motherhood means...

...sending your children to take a FAST shower because we do NOT submerge our heads in the toilet, even if you're wear goggles.

...realizing it's after 2pm and rather than making yourself lunch, you load everyone up to go get yourself (and ONLY yourself) a Sonic drink.

... assuring the Sonic carhop that the screaming children in the back of the van are fine, they're just mad about not getting a drink.

... calling your husband before 9am to ask where the spanking spoon is.

... reminding your children that they were made to work, not just have fun.

... finishing the laundry only to have your children dirty the towels.

... eating Cheetos and muffins for lunch at 3pm with a Rt 44 Diet Coke!

... getting creative withe the consequences, even if that make me "the worse mommy ever".

... not being bothered by the aforementioned statement.

... not crawling up the walls when your 4 year old starts whining.  Again.

... reminding your student that "liters" is not pronounces like "litters" which is hilarious when said student is freaking out because "the book never ever mentions litters!!!!!"

... calling Daddy to spend lunch hour as back up disciplinarian because you've done all you can do and still have the afternoon to contend with.

... counting the hours when you can go to Piyo and enjoy some "me time".

... reminding yourself that this too shall pass and praying that the rest of the week will be easier.

My First Half Marathon: RACE DAY!

Four months of training.  Hundreds of dollars. 231 miles. Dozens of early bedtimes and early wake-ups. All for this one day.  This one race.  

Those were the thoughts going through my head as I woke up and started getting ready to run my first half marathon.  All the time, energy, money and hard work that I had put into my training were culminating in this one run.  By the time Curtis and I were in the car heading to the starting line, I was in tears.  I was so ready!  I nervous about the cold, about if my training had been enough, about how little sleep I had gotten leading up to the race, about how I fueled, about every tiny detail that was totally out of my control at that point.  I was excited!!  I was excited to finish what I started four month earlier, excited to do something that I never though I would do, excited to see my husband and kids at the finish line cheering for me.  Needless to say, all these varying emotions got the best of me and I just cried.

The morning of the race was very chilly!!  I had anticipated it and was well layered.  Before we started out, I got to snap a few pictures with my friends and training buddies. 

 (one of the ladies in my running group had "space blankets" that she let us use to stay warm before the race.  It was awesome!!)

 (Kris ran his first full marathon!!  I was excited to see him before the race, wish him well, and thought our matching headbands were awesome!)

The view from the starting line was shocking.  I knew that this was a race that would be run by several thousand people, but I was astonished by what several thousand runners actually looked like.

 During the first mile, I ran with Tori and Hayley.  We didn't take any walking breaks, enjoyed the energy from the other runners as well as from the crowd.  I was able to see several other friends during the first mile.  Those moments really added to the excitement.

At mile about 3, I saw the cutest cheering section EVER!  My four kids, one of my best friends (Erin) and her two kids, all screaming and cheering for me.  It was awesome!!  I was also able ditch my gloves and my jacket.  One lesson that I learned is that when you're layering for a long, cold run, ditch the outter layer before one of the under layers gets sweaty.  My long sleeved shirt was sweaty and as soon as the cold air hit, I was cold again.  Also, never ditch your gloves.  Take them off, but keep them.  If the wind picks up, if your pace slows, you might need them again.  

 All through the route, there were people out cheering us on.  Seeing all the supporters and volunteers who were out freezing for those of us running was so encouraging!  It also broke up the race a little and provided a bit of distraction.

At about mile 6, I started experiencing a lot of pain in my upper legs/hips area. I tried stretching.  I tried taking more walking breaks.  I quickly slipped into a negative head space and ran smack into THE WALL.  For non runners, the wall is when you mentally feel like you're an idiot for running this race and that you can't take another step.  I knew exactly what it was, and was discouraged that I was facing the wall before I had even hit the half way there point.

At mile 10 (or was it 11?) I hit another wall.  It was at that moment when I realized that I probably wouldn't be able to finish in under 3 hours.  I was hurting, I was exhausted, my stomach was cramping, I was cold and I was done.  It was at this point that Hayley offered to give me a piggy back ride.  She told me that I could do this, that I HAD to do this, and that she wasn't going to let me walk the rest of this half marathon.  Hayley was awesome!!

One of the funniest moments during the race was when a man, cheering at a corner yelled, "Only .3 of a mile left!!"  I stopped, looked at him and said, "Are you 100% sure?!"  He smiled, assured me that he knew what he was talking about, and off we went, ready to finish this race!

 Finishing a half marathon (regardless of your time) = an amazing feeling.

We crossed the finish line and were immediatly congratulated by the race director, Chris.  Chris knows our family, recognized me, hugged me and said, "I saw Curtis finish.... awhile ago."  I just looked at him, and he quickly added, "I mean, he's awesome, and congrautlations on finishing!  You both rock!"  Couldn't help but laugh.

Then, I was directed to a sweet girl named Ronni, who was passing out finishers medals.  She recognized me from swim team, gave me a huge hug, hung my medal around my neck as I burst into tears.  

                                                     

I walk over to Hayley, crying and saying, "Where's Curtis, I want Curtis, where is he, I need him!"  We finally found him, and the celebration began!

The BCS Marathon throws and amazing post race celebration!  There was food or all kinds, water, chocolate milk, Gatorade, beer, margaritas, space blankets and music.  Rather than quickly heading out, we decided to wait and cheer on our friend Jessica, who was finishing her first full marathon.  As I watched more half marathoners and marathoners finish, I couldn't help but burst into tears, yet again.  I couldn't help but relate to every person running across the finish line.  I knew each of them had a story.  I could see the pride, the excitement, the pain, the disappointment on their faces.  And I when I saw Jessica run across the finish line, reaching her goal time, I really boohooed!!

My official time was 3:05.  Every runner I talked to told me not to set a huge goal time, that my goal should be to finish. In the back of my head, I was shooting for 2:45 and my goal was to run it in under 3 hours.  When I thought back to all the hard work that I had put in I was so discouraged.  I had not run hundreds of miles, lost sleep, spent money and worked so hard to run a 3+ hour half marathon!

But then I was reminded that it's not always about the end result, sometimes, it's about the journey.  Every step you take towards your goal should be celebrated.  It was then that I decided I wanted to run another half marathon.  I wanted to take the practical things I had learned from my first half and apply them to reaching my goal.

Running my first half marathon taught me many things.  But the biggest lesson that I learned is that I'm capable of so much more than I thought.

My first half marathon: training

In the four months I didn't blog, I trained for and ran my first half marathon.  Though it's old news now, and I'm actually training for my second half marathon, I still wanted to recap my experience.

The only reason I decided to run a half marathon was because I won free training with a running coach and a running group called Runaway Moms.  Coach Wendy sent out the training plan, made the routes, set out water on the long runs, taught me how to stretch, pushed me when I wouldn't push myself and reminded me that I was capable of doing this.  I can't express how much this group of women encouraged me through the whole process, cheering me on at every little victory.

The longest I had run before I started training for the half was 3.5 miles.  Slowly building up my mileage was exciting!  Seeing that I could keep going and that I could push myself to get the higher miles was so rewarding.  The weekend that I was going to tackle 7 miles was a big one for me.  I had run 6 miles twice before and completed a 10k (6.2 miles) and I was ready to make another jump in mileage.  The morning came and I was genuinely excited to hit that mileage milestone but it was pouring rain complete with thunder and lightning!  No running for me.  My motivation was gone and I wasn't sure how I would mentally make it through those 7 miles.  That's when Hayley joined me for my training.  She went on almost every long run with me from then out.  She was already registered to run the same race I was training for, and rather than train at her pace, she stuck with me though the rest of my training and the entire race.  I am so thankful for the friendship that we build and then fun times we had!

 Since Curtis had trained for and run a half marathon earlier in the year, I knew the time commitment it would take for our entire family.  And not only was I training for the half, Curtis was also training for the same race.  Throughout our training, he always put my runs first.  Never once did I feel guilty over leaving the kids and him to go run for over two hours.  After my long runs, he would be ready with ice, compression socks, chocolate milk and ibprophen. Curtis was a constant source of praise and encouragement as well as advice.  During hard runs, he would text me with words of encouragement, reminding me to finish strong.  And on one really rough run, he came to get me from the side of the road but pushed me to try that run again and get the mileage I needed.  There are so many cliched analogies I could make about training for/running a half marathon and marriage.  But instead, I'll just say that I truly could not have done what I did without my amazing hubby!

 Training for a half marathon is hard.  But it is worth it!  There were times when I was confident that I had made a terrible decision.  But I'm thankful for the awesome people who surrounded me and encouraged me to keep going, even when I didn't want to.

Words of Encouragement

As we've started our 6th year of homeschooling, I've been surprised at what a struggle it's been.  We are into our fourth week of school, and I am still facing whining, complaining, resistance and in general, bad attitudes.  It's very hard for me to not become discouraged when facing the task of educating four little people who seem to think they should fight me every step of the way.

Rather than throw my hands up and wave the white flag, I've been surrounding myself with scripture.  And since I know the struggles and battles that I face aren't unique to me or to homeschooling but are common to all godly moms, here are the words of encouragement that have helped me.

"By wisdom a house is built,
and through understating it is established;
through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasure."
Proverbs 24:3-4

"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue"
Proverbs 31:26

"Start your children off in the way the should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it"
Proverbs 22:6

"Discipline your children and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire."
Proverbs 29:17

"Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage with great patience and careful instruction.  For the time will come when men will not put up with sounds doctrine.  Instead, to suit their own desires, they will father around them a great number of teacher to say what their itching ears want to hear.  They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths.  But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. "
2 Timothy 4:2-3

"My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."
Colossians 2:2-3

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9

Everything I need

"... And I have given to all able men ability, that they may make all that I have commanded you." Exodus 31:6

This year, for the third (or maybe fourth) year in a row, I'm doing a One Year Bible.  Maybe this will be the year I make it to March before I get so behind I quit.  So far, so good!! 

Today, as I was sitting outside Scotty's House, reading the Word, I came across the above verse.  God had just finished giving Moses the Ten Commandments as well as instructions for the building of the ark, the ark of testimony, the mercy seat, furnishings, clothing, and more.  I've spent several days reading through all the details that had been recorded about these items.  And I was struck with two thoughts.  #1 Why is this included in the Word?  #2 Wow!  This must have been a big deal and a lot of work.

When I read the above verse, I was struck with how God asked so much of His people, yet provided them everything they would need, down to the ability of the men, to make the things He'd required of them.

And then I was reminded that God has given ME the ability for every task he's set before me.  Even during the times when I feel overwhelmed, unsure of myself, uncertain of how God will use me, I can see that He has and will continue to equip me with the abilty for every good work.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8

How blessed I was this morning to be reminded that I am equipped for EVERY good work.  Whether it's being a one car family, homeschooling, taking care of three extra kids, making a meal for another family, being a loving wife... I am equipped!

It's much easier to face the day when you remember that. 

Month of Thankfulness... Day 4

This semester, Curtis and I have been doing some hard work alongside of our children, in a battle for their hearts and attitudes.  As any parent can relate, this has not been an easy or fun battle.  Some days I see huge progress, and other times I'm left in tears and in prayer, knowing I can't do any more in my own strength.

And in the midst of the battle, I'm thankful for laughter and teachable moments.

One such moment arrived on a Monday morning.  Elizabeth was struggling to be obedient to me as we started homeschooling.  Since she and Micah have made professions of faith this year, I've been trying to remind them of the power of the Holy Spirit as they fight against sin.  I had a long conversation with Elizabeth about how she was struggling against the old, sinful man, and the new man, seeking to glorify God.  I also talked with Micah and Benjamin about the stuggle Elizabeth was having, encouraging them to show grace to their sister in her time of need.

We made it through the morning, and Curtis came home for lunch to serve as back up.  Benjamin sat next to him and said, "Daddy, Eizabeth is having a hard day.  See, she has a war inside of her.  A war between the Holy Spirit and an old man."

While Benjamin clearly didn't fully understand the point I was making, I was thankful for that teachable moment.  And a time to laugh!

Month of Thankfulness... Day 3

16 years ago, which for those of you keeping track was half my life ago, I moved to Texas.  I was not at all happy about the move, and I was more than ready to let anyone around me know how I felt about this hot, miserable state.  If you had told me 16 years ago that I would still be in TX, that I would be happily married to a Texan, and have four little TX babies, I would have been horrified. 

Yet, here I am!  Very thankful for where God has me.

So while I still hate the weather here, today I'm thankful that I have a home in Texas, and I'm raising four little Texans alongside my wonderful Texan husband.  I'm thankful that God's plans are so rich and full.  I'm thankful that he just smiled at my teenage angst, and kept me on the road to his perfect plan for my life.

(I think somewhere deep inside, my 16 year old self is freaking out about all this.....)

A weight

Life has been hard. Life has been busy. Life has been full of challenges. But life has also had wonderful moments and new memories have been made. Hopefully, I can recap April, before all the busyness of May kicks in. Today, I feel light. A burden has been lifted, justice is being served, and I am thankful. I didn't realize how strongly the weight of the past few months was weighing on me, until recently. And now I rejoice!! I knew God would prove himself faithful, and he has. I knew justice would be served, and it has been. I knew I would grown and mature, and I have. We're still not out of the woods of this trial, but I now have the encouragement that this season won't last forever. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

preserve

This morning, we're preparing our family to celebrate Palm Sunday.

We're also preparing our home for two showings this afternoon.

I'm finding it very hard to balance the two, though I know the more imprtant is preparing my heart and the helping and tending the hearts of my children. The balancing act that I'm seeking is one that any parent is familiar with. Following the wisdom of a friend, I put myself in the Word. And here's the verse I read from Psalms.

3 When the foundations are being destroyed,
what can the righteous do?”

4 The LORD is in his holy temple;
the LORD is on his heavenly throne.
He observes everyone on earth;
his eyes examine them.
5 The LORD examines the righteous,
but the wicked, those who love violence,
he hates with a passion.
6 On the wicked he will rain
fiery coals and burning sulfur;
a scorching wind will be their lot.

7 For the LORD is righteous,
he loves justice;
the upright will see his face.

Psalm 11

As we seek to walk as children of the promise, in faith and not by sight, I find myself growing tired and frustrated. I know that God is teaching me perseverance at this point. It would be so easy to become discouraged, to feel picked on by God and frustrated that though I see his hand, I don't know his plan. The Psalms brought just the encouraged to preserve that I needed. The Lord is righteous! And when I don't know what to do, my step of obedience is to believe that.

Choice of Obedience

I have a choice. I can choose to be upset, mad, angry at God for the circumstances we find our family right now. Or, I can choose to stand in faith, and walk in obedience.

And though it's hard, though I don't understand, and though I don't see how, I will walk by faith and obedience, standing in God's promises.

This week has been discouraging. We're not making the headway in the criminal investigation that I had hoped for. Our house, which we put on the market last week, has been showing, but we haven't gotten any offers, and then we learned that there's another house in our neighborhood also for sell, giving us undesired competition. These combined events have led me to feel more discouraged than I had been. This morning, I decided I had to make a deliberate effort to remind myself of God's love, promises, faithfulness, mercy and grace.

As I was listening to music that encouraged my soul, I came across this song by Keith and Kristyn Getty.

When Trials Come

When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told
And there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know Your peace
The breath of God brings strength to me
And new each morning mercy flows
As treasures of the darkness grow
As treasures of the darkness grow

I turn to Wisdom not my own
For every battle You have known
My confidence will rest in You
Your love endures Your ways are good
Your love endures Your ways are good

When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in it's shadow I shall run
Till You complete the work begun
Till You complete the work begun

One day all things will be made new
I'll see the hope You called me to
And in your kingdom paved with gold
I'll praise your faithfulness of old
I'll praise your faithfulness of old

How true these lyrics are! God's ways are good, though I don't see it right now. God is at work in my family, growing our faith to be worth more than gold. And each morning, I lean on God for the new mercies I know I will find.

Help my unbelief

"Everything is possible for one who believes."
Immediately, the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help my unbelief."
Mark 9:23 and 24

This is where I am.

I believe that everything we're going through is working for our good and His glory.

I believe that none of this is a surprise to God.

I believe that God loves my children more than I do.

I believe that in all this, we are more than conquerors.

I believe that we are not forsaken.

But the road we're walking right now is hard. And the cry of my heart... my sinful, doubting heart... is the cry of the father of the demon possessed child. "I believe. Help my unbelief."

So what do I do? How do I move forward? I look around, and see the filth and sin of this world. I'm daily reminded that this is not my home, and that I'm simply a pilgrim, passing through. I want to be strong and faithful. I want my walk to be worthy of my calling. But I'm so sad, frustrated, angry..... and unbelieving. When I heard the song int he post below, lyrics were very convicting. And timely. I know I can rest in God's sovereignty, in His perfect plan, in His love. But my heart is struggling, at times, to do those things.

As I look at the situations we're in right now, I see the hand of God. I know that He is moving. But my sinful heart screams at me, "But why did any of this have to happen?!" While I do see the good, and the blessings, I also can't help but feel discouraged that any of this is happening, when God could have kept these events from occurring. While voicing all these thoughts to a friend, he encouraged me in something he had heard, and reminded me of something I really needed to hear. God doesn't want my children to hurt. He doesn't want bad things to happen to them. But as the Author and Creator of my children, He knows what events they need to go through to become the people He's intended for them to be. So he allows things to happen to them, because he knows how it will end.

My friend's reminder helped me to remember that though I love my children, God loves them more. And yes, He could have prevented the bad things that have happened from happening. But these horrible events will be used in a mighty way. The Author knows what events need to be in my children's stories, so that they will be the people he's intended them to me.

So, in answer to my own question, I move forward in faith, reminding of God's promises. And praying that Jesus would help my unbelief.

Where are we now?

What a hard place to be. Coming out of survival mode, trying to find our new normal, looking around and seeing the depravity of the fallen world.

That's where we are right now.

And though things are stabilizing, not everything has been resolved yet.

So, we are going to "set our hearts at rest in His presence," (1 John 3:19) knowing that we can stand in the love of Christ.