Control

Hi! My name is Kierstyn, and I like to have control. Some might even say that I have control issues.

Hi, Kierstyn!!!

The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

This is not a new revelation to me. Struggling to be the one in control of the events in my life is something I've been doing for well over a decade. And just when I think I have this control issue under control, something out of my control happens.

Though I'm still struggling, I like to think that I've made some progress in this particular area of my life. Recently, what I've found interesting is seeing how I handle the events in life that are out of my control verses someone who is not a believer, struggling with an out of control event.

This past week, a discussion on a FB page that I'm a part of was started. The conversation revolved around the possible causes of craniosynistosis. It was interesting to hear the lengths that some parents went to (blood tests for the entire family) as they sought the cause of this deformity. Though Curtis and I have recently learned that the cause of Benjamin's cranio might have been a drug I took during pregnancy, we've had to wrestle with the fact that something like this just happened. It was a very hard struggle for me to realize that sometimes, these things happen with no particular cause. I wanted to know how this had happened, who was at fault, and what I could do to prevent it from happening to any other children we had. But after talking with several doctors, we realized that most of the time, these things just happen. There's nothing we could do to prevent it. There was nothing we could have done differently.

That's a hard pill for a momma to swallow. This was what I saw in the discussion of other cranio moms. Some of them just HAD to have an answer.

I, on the other had, swallowed that hard pill, knowing that I might not know what caused Benjamin's cranio, and I moved on. Though I still don't understand why God chose that road for us, I see his loving hand, guiding us while we walked it.

I naively thought that I was done. God had grown our faith, pushed us, and shown us his love and faithfulness. Check! Done.

HA!

When Timothy was born at 35 weeks with a cleft lip, I again struggled with being out of control. Last spring, God and I did a lot of communing. Mostly, it was me, whining and complaining about how hard things were, and how I didn't understand, and how it didn't make sense, while at the same time being thankful that it wasn't any worse, and thankful that things were working out.

Once again, I was brought to my knees.

And that's where I need to stay. Not because I'm afraid that God will bring another event into my life to show my lack of control, but because that's what He asks me to do. To trust, obey, pray, and seek his will.

Though I'm not there yet, I'm thankful that God is working in my, growing me, and helping me to relax..... just a little.